


Panic

by writingformadderton



Category: Rocketman (2019)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sickness, Sleepy Cuddles, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:03:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23837236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingformadderton/pseuds/writingformadderton
Summary: Richard suffers from panic attacks and is in a bad state of mind because of all the news going on regarding the virus. When he gets the flu, it freaks him out constantly and he’s on edge from not knowing if he got infected. Taron helps him through it while they wait for the results of the test.
Relationships: Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Kudos: 15





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t read this if you’re anxious because of the Corona Virus or struggling with panic because of it. And another important point is that Taron’s way to help Richard through panic attacks doesn’t have to fit with everyone. Always make sure to ask how you can help, if touching is okay and so on. Please don’t take this as a guide❤️

Taron steps inside the living room and sees Richard in front of the television. He is so caught up in the program that he doesn’t even notice T, who just came back home from a long day at work. T leans in a bit and sees it’s the news channel. The most dangerous program for someone like Richard during these times. No matter where you go, all you can hear is the word “Corona”. A few weeks ago, no one knew it even existed.

Growling softly, Taron walks closer to his boyfriend and grabs the remote, turning the television off. He looks down at Richard’s worried face, which seems to need a moment to process what just happened.

“Why did you turn it off?” Rich asks and looks up to him.

“I just came back home and I wanna spend some time with you, love.” Taron lies and sits down next to him. He leans forward and kisses him, meeting nothing but Richard’s unmoving lips.

“You never complain about the telly in the background.” Rich says and he feels bad, thinking he knows the answer already.

“Richard, come on.” T sighs and fondles over his hair, but stops when he sees the expression on Richard’s face.

“Why?” he asks firmly with cold blue eyes.

Taron huffs and avoids his look. He hates it when Richard’s eyes get all cold and dark, knowing he has a short fuse when someone hid something from him. “I just don’t want you to get worried or worse.” he says slowly.

“Seriously, T, you need to calm down. Not everything going on outside sends me straight into panic.” he says and feels his blood starting to boil. He knows he needs to calm down soon before he says something that would hurt Taron.

It happened often when Taron tried to protect him from his panic attacks. But it annoyed the hell out of him to have Taron building a bubble around him, it was like cutting him off from the world. Yes, he panicked easily, but he hated when T got too protective. It made him feel dumb, even though he would never say it that directly to Taron’s face. He knew it would make him feel useless then.

“Yeah I know, but we’re talking about a virus that is turning into a pandemic at the moment. People are dying and I seriously don’t know what will happen when they decide to lock down the city like they did in Italy already.” Taron says and he wonders to himself as he put the current events into words like this. He usually doesn’t around Richard and, by the look in his scared eyes, he remembers why he doesn’t.

“You think I don’t know that?” Richard growls annoyed and looks away from him. It did scare him. But not knowing what was going on was almost as bad as these bloody panic attacks in his mind.

“I’m just trying to protect you. Because sooner or later we will be affected by it as well. Direct or indirect.” T tries to soothe him and moves to grab his hand, wanting some physical contact between them.

“I don’t need your stupid protection. I’m not a child Taron.” He says angrily and sees how Taron leans away from him, hurt evident in his eyes.

“Fine.” Taron says and takes the remote, turning on the telly again. “Have fun with your crappy news. And don’t come and cry on my shoulder when it becomes too much to handle. Because I warned you.” He throws the remote back on the table and glances at some pictures of the current state of Italy shuffling over the screen. His own stomach turns seeing it and seeing Richard stare at it, stubborn and not letting him win, makes him roll his eyes a bit. Why couldn’t he just take it as it was and avoid these things?

“Fuck off.” Rich just groans.

“Are you serious right now?” Taron asks and folds his arms in front of him, curling his hands into fists, and clenching his jaw. He needs to let his anger out somehow and quick.

“Yes I am. For fucks sake, Taron! I don’t need you to babysit me and wrap me up in a blanket of lies and half true stories. Not everything is a trigger and not everything ends in me panicking. Just stop being overprotective of me and more annoying than my bloody mother.” He spits out in anger and stood up now. “Just back off.” he huffs and closes his eyes. “Please.”

Taron looks at him startled and bites his lower lip. His anger turns into hurt within a few seconds and he knows he needs to get out of this room. “Fine.” he presses out and swallows down his tears. He sees Richard’s look soften a bit. He noticed the change in his tone. Turning around, he walks out and slams the door behind him.

Richard feels his heart racing and doesn’t know if it’s because of the horrible pictures or Taron being upset. He doesn’t like it when Taron is this way, especially when it’s directed at him. It made him anxious, fearful of lose him. The loud noise of a slamming door sends a wave of panic through his body every single time. He turns off the television and sits back down on the sofa, staring out of the window.

Every time Taron and he get into a fight because of his panic attacks and possible triggers, he’s afraid he’ll hear him leaving. Sometimes when it gets too heated, Taron leaves for a walk or a drive to calm his nerves. On those days Richard curls up in bed, his stomach hurting from the fear, and counts the seconds until Taron gets home. Usually it ends in Taron wrapping him into his arms, apologizing, and promising him he won’t leave him permanently.

Taron sits down on bed heavily and leans against the pillow, tucking his legs up. He isn’t hungry anymore and he doesn’t want to spend the evening with Rich anymore. It would only end in tears today and he doesn’t want to make Richard cry and blame himself.

All he wants is what’s best for his boyfriend who panicked so easily. He wanted to protect him and he knows he goes too far sometimes. But at the moment, the news program was simply the worst Richard could do to himself.

When Richard comes upstairs and changes into a shirt to sleep, Taron turns towards the window and pulls the blanket closer to his body. Rich lies down and turns the lights out. He stares into the dark and bites his lower lip, caught up in his thoughts. After a while of breathing deeply and lying still, his normal remedy to calm down, he hears T sniffing next to him.

Fuck, he made him cry. That was even worse than a fight and slamming doors. He hates seeing him cry and being the reason for it.

Richard turns onto his side and carefully rubs over Taron’s arm who lies on his side, curled up into himself. His boyfriend flinches under his touch and Rich bites his lip, feeling his throat tightening at it. “Taron.” he whispers and T doesn’t react, just tries to stifle his cries with his hand in front of his mouth. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry.” he says and squeezes his waist softly. Still no response. “Taron?” he tries again softly, fear welling up inside him.

“Mm?” T hums and bites his lips at the sadness in his boyfriend’s voice.

“I know I was very harsh today. I didn’t mean to be.” Richard apologizes.

“s’Okay. Jus’ had a long day. Tired.” Taron mumbles and pats his hand shortly before curling up more. He wasn’t just tired. It hurt him to hear that the only thing he could do, was what Richard hated.

“Don’t try to lie to me just because I can’t see your face.” Rich mumbles and carefully leans over him. He fondles his cheeks and feels their wetness. “Heard you crying, love.” he whispers and Taron just nods slowly. He reaches over him and turns on his bedside lamp. Looking down at his boyfriend, he sees his red puffy eyes, his bitten lower lip and his red cheeks. His heart breaks a little seeing what he did to him and he pulls back, lying down next to him.

Taron turns over to face him and give him a chance to talk. “It’s okay. I know I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.”

“It’s not okay and you’re not.” Richard says firmly and tries to make eye contact, which isn’t easy at the moment.

“Yes I am. Otherwise you wouldn’t have told me that straight to my face today.” Taron mumbles and swallows, thinking back on it.

“It wasn’t fair to do so. You’re just trying to keep me safe. I know my panic attacks aren’t fun for you either.” He grabs his hand and squeezes it softly. “I’m really thankful for every time you help me and I know I can be difficult sometimes.”

“I know it’s not easy, just- please don’t be mad when I’m trying to protect you. It’s the only thing I’m good at.” T says and shrugs his shoulders, looking at him again.

“I said don’t lie to me.” Rich whispers and fondles over his knuckles. “You’re amazing at so many things.”

“I just want you to be okay, Richie.” he whispers and looks at him with a weak smile. “Even when you get mad at me for it.”

Richard scoops him into his arms and presses a tiny kiss onto his forehead. “I know, I’m sorry.”

When Taron’s alarm blares through the room the next morning, both of them wake up with a groan. T turns around and shuts it off annoyed and falls back into his pillow, drifting off again

Ten minutes later, Richard turns towards him and rocks his shoulder a bit. “T, you need to get up.”

“I don’t need to do shit.” he says and rolls away from him.

“You’re gonna be late for work.” Rich groans and closes his eyes again. He feels Taron shifting next to him and grunts softly as T crawls in his lap and lies down on him.

“I don’t care.” he growls and buries his face in Richard’s shirt.

“I’m gonna kick you out of bed.” he mumbles and grabs him by the waist. “Come on you’re gonna be late.” he rolls him off and Taron whines softly. “Get your lazy ass out of bed right now.” he says firmly and pats his bum softly.

T lifts his head and opens his sleepy eyes. “Fuck off.” he moans and smacks his arm. “I’m quitting today, I’m sick.”

“Wha-?” Taron presses his hand into Richard’s mouth and calls his director. He tells her he is feeling really bad today and will stay at home. He fake coughs and says goodbye when she wishes him to get better soon.

“I should drive you there personally to apologize for your lie.” Rich groans and turns onto his stomach, hiding his face in the pillows.

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t mind me staying home, dumbass.” Taron just says and lifts the blanket, lying on top of Rich. He buries his face in his back and closes his eyes.

Taron wakes up when Richard starts whimpering underneath him. He rolls away from him lazily and rubs his face before looking at his boyfriend. Richard grabbed the sheets and pants into his pillow. “Rich, wake up.” he says and rocks his shoulder a bit. Richard pants his name and curls up, whining. Taron has seen this a thousand times before. He was panicking in his sleep. “Richard.” he says a bit louder and rocks him again.

Richard rolls on his back and shakes his head. “No.” he whines and Taron can see the panic in his face.

“Richard, you need to wake up.” Taron starts fondling over his hair, trying to calm him down in his sleep. “It’s a bad dream, you just have to wake up. It’s okay.”

Rich squirms on bed and wakes up quickly. He turns onto his side and curls up, starting to cry.

Taron lies down next to him and starts fondling over his hair. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re back.” Richard reaches out for him and Taron wraps him into a hug. “It’s okay, Richie.”

“Taron.” he presses out and clings onto him.

“I’m here.” Taron says and rubs his back smoothly. “Everything is okay.”

A few days later, Taron leaves for work early and feels a bit bad about leaving Richard alone. He didn’t look so good this morning, but assured him everything is fine.  
After working on set for a few hours, he spends his lunchbreak watching the news. It was important to stay updated no matter if it affected you in a bad way and made you panicked or depressed. He checks up on Rich, who’s voice sounds a bit raspy but Taron just leave it as it is.

When he comes home in the evening, he finds Rich curled up under the blanket in their bed. Taron frowns and walks over to him. “Hey, are you okay?” he asks softly and sits down at the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, just a bad headache and my throat hurts.” he says and looks up at him tiredly.

Taron strokes his hair back and frowns a bit. “I think you’re running a fever, love.”

“What?” Richard asks shocked and his eyes widen a bit.

“Yeah… You’re probably having the flu.” Taron says calmly and gets up to get the thermometer. He sticks it in both of Richard’s ears and nods. “104°, I’m gonna run you a bath.” he looks down at Richard and suddenly sees the fear in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“I- Are you sure I’m just having the flu?”

“Well I’m not a doctor but I mean it’s flu season and-Richard you’re just sick.” Taron says and suddenly gets it. Was it about the virus?

“Mm okay.” Richard just mumbles tiredly.

Taron throws Richard’s clothes into the laundry machine and changes the sheets. He rearranges and disinfects the pillows and gets a glass of water. Taron grabs a shirt and a pair of boxers for Richard and returns to the bathroom. He washes Richard’s hair and dries him with a towel. Richard stumbles a bit as he tries to get into his shirt and boxers and Taron sits him down on a chair. He dries his hair and helps him back to bed. “I’ll go for a quick shower and make you some soup, alright?” Rich nods and Taron presses a soft kiss onto his forehead.

Richard looks out of the window and bites his lips. What if he got the virus and this wasn’t just a usual flu? Don’t panic. Taron is here.

His boyfriend comes back with a bowl of soup after his shower and sits behind him while he plays with his hair. When he’s finished, he cuddles into Taron and grabs his hand. He coughs a bit and sinks down, placing his head on Taron’s thigh.

“You need a pillow. This can’t be comfortable.” T speaks softly.

“This can’t be comfortable.” he mocks him and pats his thigh lovingly. “Bullshit.”

Taron just giggles and watches him drift off slowly. “Okay, you need to lie sitting up a bit, that helps with the cough.” he says and slips away from underneath Richard, who groans in protest. He adjusts him into the pillows and lies down next to him. “You should sleep.”

Richard nods and coughs roughly before pulling up the blanket. Taron plays with his hair and he feels himself getting more and more tired.

When Taron wakes up the a few days later, he can’t move from his spot and looks down confused. Richard clings onto him in his sleep, his face buried in his ribs. T sighs a bit and pats his hand. “I have to go to work, love.” he yawns. Richard just mumbles in his sleep and lets go off him, curling up. Taron wraps him into the blanket and gets up tiredly.

Richard’s fever got worse, going up and down all the time leaving him burning up or shivering cold. His cough is still rough and sounds painful. His eyes are teary and his nose is blocked. It all got worse over the last few days but Taron knows it does with a flu. It always gets worse before it gets better. He continues to get ready for his day as Richard tried to sleep peacefully again.

Taron is on set for two hours when he gets a phone call. After finishing a take, one of the assistants bring him his phone, telling him it’s Richard. He thanks her and takes the call. “Hey, how are you feeling today?”

“I-I don’t feel good at all. Can you come home?” Richard’s voice is wavering and shaky, and Taron can hear him sniffing.

Taron rubs his face and looks down at his watch. One hour to go “What’s going on?” But Rich gasps for air and whines a bit. Shit, he was panicking again. “I’ll be home in ten minutes, I promise.” He assures his lover and hangs up. T tells his assistant it’s an emergency and she nods understanding. She worked with Taron long enough to know what’s going on and tells the crew T had to leave for a family emergency.

Taron rushes upstairs and finds Richard on the bathroom floor. His boyfriend is pale, gasping for air, pure panic painted on his face. He sits in the corner of the room, his legs tugged up. “Rich?” he asks lowly and comes close very slow.

Richard looks at him with tears in his eyes and his stomach hurts bad. “I’m sorry-I-I thought i-it would b-be okay.” he barely gets out and shakes heavy.

Taron nods and crouches down. “I know. Is it okay if I touch you?” he makes sure.

There were days where Rich needed a tight hug and cuddles to calm down. On others he needed to be alone and didn’t want to be touched at all. But right now, he nods hastily and tears threaten to fall down his cheeks.

Taron rubs his shoulder lovingly and moved Richard’s sweaty hair away from his eyes. He doesn’t know if it’s the fever or an effect of the panic attack. “I need you to take deep breaths with me now, Rich. Can you do that for me?” he asks softly.

Richard nods and focuses on his boyfriend. He tries to follow his breathing and feels how tight his chest is. “I can’t.” he presses out and tries to breathe. “I’m going to die.”

“Breathe, Richard.” Taron says firmly and reaches up to the sink, covering a wash cloth in cold water and pressing it out a bit.

Richard starts sobbing now and desperately tries to get air into his lungs. Deep down he knows he is able to breathe, but the panic coats everything and makes him believe that he really can’t.

“Shh, it’s okay. Breathe in.” Taron does it with him. “Aand out.” Richard’s eyes watch his lips as if his life is depending on it. Taron wipes his face a bit, trying to cool him down and keeps on breathing to guide him into a steady rhythm.

Richard feels his lungs opening up slowly and relaxes a bit. He leans his head against the wall behind him and wraps his arms around himself, shivering. He closes his eyes and listens to his racing heart trying to calm down. Taron’s hand is still resting on his shoulder, a simple gesture to show him he’s there, right by his side. Richard places his hand on Taron’s and opens his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Taron shakes his head and sits down on his knees now.

“I’m - I feel like shit today.” he admits and looks down at his knees. T remains silent, so Richard looks up to him, seeing the worry in his beautiful eyes. “I don’t know if it’s just a flu and it freaks me out with all this shit going on outside.”

“It’s okay. You’re not the only one who feels anxious and scared at the moment.” Taron rubs his knee gently. “But you won’t be alone the next few weeks. I’ll stay at home.”

“You need to work.” Richard urges and looks at him confused.

Taron shakes his head sighing. “No, I don’t. They decided to lockdown the city to stop the spreading of infections, which means we’ll have to stay at home anyways.”

“Oh.” Richard mumbles and feels a bit of relief flowing through his body. Having Taron around assured him at least that he wasn’t alone. “I know this sounds stupid but can we let me get tested?” he asks in a tiny shy voice. He feels so stupid asking this.

“I’ll call your doctor later, okay?” Taron says with a compassionate smile and fondles over his hair. “I have to take a shower. You wanna join me and cool down a bit?”  
Rich nods and they get up, undress themselves and step into the shower. Taron turns the water to the cooler side and wraps Richard into a hug. The cold water runs down his boyfriend’s heating body and cools him down slowly. Taron shampoos his hair and body, doing the same with Rich afterwards.

Taron gets some sweatpants and a shirt for Richard, and the same for himself. They get dressed and Taron dries their hair, taking his time with Richard in soft movements and motions.

As soon as he’s done, Richard walks into the bedroom. He lies down and curls up, closing his eyes. He hears Taron stepping out of the bathroom and feels his hand stroking over his hair.

“I’ll go and call your doctor. Try and get some rest, love.” he says and Richard nods weakly. T grabs his phone from the floor. He threw it along with his jacket when he rushed in earlier. Closing the bedroom door behind him, he makes his way downstairs. There were days where Richard needed his full attention after a panic attack, cuddles, kisses, being held and wrapped up in a blanket. But on other days when it happened Richard needed space, some time for himself and often thinking everything over and over again. Those were the hardest days.

Taron dials the number of Richard’s doctor and explains the situation to him. He tells him that he thinks it’s just the flu but it’s freaking Rich out. The doctor, knowing of Richard’s attacks, agrees on an appointment to take the test tomorrow. T walks back upstairs and knocks before opening the door carefully.  
Richard sits on bed and has his face buried in his knees. His shoulders are shaking and Taron can hear him crying.

Taron sits down at the edge of the bed and looks at his sobbing boyfriend. “You wanna be alone for a bit?” he asks softly. Richard shakes his head and sniffs. “Okay, then I’ll stay right here.” he hesitantly places his hand on his back and rubs it slowly. “Is that okay?”

Richard sits up straight and looks at him with quivering lips and red puffy eyes. “I’m sorry. If I listened to you a few days ago, I wouldn’t be so panicked about this all.” T remains silent and watches him thinking. “I know it’s my own fault and I’m pulling you into my shit again.”

“Richard, it’s alright. You wanna know what’s going on in the world and I get that. Maybe it would be better if I update you from time to time if there is something important.” he suggests and watches him biting his lower lip.

Richard nods before he starts crying again and reaches out for Taron. The Welsh sits down next to him and leans back into the pillow. He lifts his arm and Richard rests his head on his chest, turning onto his side. T plays with his hair calmingly while they tangle their hands on his chest. “I just don’t wanna die, T. I wanna stay here with you.”

“Love, you won’t die. I promise you it’s just a flu and you’ll be better in one or two weeks.” T soothes him and leans down to kiss him on his hair.

“What if it’s not? I damaged my lungs enough already with all the smoking.” he presses out and cuddles tightly into Taron.

“You’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna go to your doctor tomorrow and everything will be alright.” Taron says

That night, Richard rolls around in his sleep, his body heats up from the fever, and panics three times. Taron tries his best to calm him down and get him back to sleep. The fever is high and Richard is in a kind of delirious state, so Taron tries his best to cool him down.

T eventually falls asleep, completely exhausted. His side of the bed is occupied with a wash cloth, a water bottle for Rich, his cough medicine, and the thermometer.  
When Richard wakes up in the morning, he sees how exhausted Taron looks, even in his sleep, and bites his lower lip. Fuck. He sits up and collects all the stuff Taron needed for him last night and wraps him into the blanket, stroking his hair lovingly. Rich sinks back into his pillow with a terrible headache and massages his temples. This shit was getting worse with every passing day and he hates it.

Coming back from the doctor, Taron falls asleep at the kitchen table after putting a pot of soup on the stove. Richard comes home ten minutes later and sees the soup spilling from the pot and his sleeping boyfriend. He turns the heat down and carries Taron into the living room, lying him down on the couch. Rich eats his soup and sits down on the sofa, placing Taron’s head on a pillow on his lap. He looks down at him, playing with his hair and fondling his cheek.

Taron wakes up after a while, groaning a bit, and rubs his face. He turns onto his back and looks up at Rich. “Fuck the soup!” he jumps up but gets pulled onto Richard’s lap.

“Already handled it. You needed some sleep.” Rich says and kisses his cheek.

“Yeah.” he sighs and closes his eyes again, cuddling into him. It felt good to be the one held from time to time and he knows Rich needed it as well. “I love you, Rich.” he mumbles into his chest.

“Love you too, T.” Rich says and fondles over his hair with a soft smile.

A few days later, they get a call from Richard’s doctor, confirming it’s just a flu. As soon as the call ends, Richard walks downstairs to Taron, who was in the kitchen making Richard a tea. He wraps his arms around him and places soft kisses onto his neck.

T giggles and turns around in his embrace. “What’s going on?”

“Just a flu.” Richard mumbles and buries his face in the crook of his neck. Taron just places a kiss in his hair and Richard loves him for it. There was no “I told you.” or “If you’d listened to me.”. Just understanding and shared happiness. “Thank you.”

“For what?” T looks down at him and meets Richard’s baby blue eyes as he looks up.

“For being here and not thinking I’m overreacting.” he says and smiles a bit.

“I will always be here for you, even when I’m mad or upset.” he giggles and places a tiny kiss onto his forehead.

“Soo, a few weeks of quarantine, huh?” Rich says and rolls his eyes. “Gonna be boring as fuck.”

“Well our first priority is getting you healthy again. And then I bet something will come to our mind to occupy our time.” he strokes down his back. “And you’re just as much a sucker for lazy cuddle days as I am.”

“No appointments, no stressed running around, no flights. Just you and I.”

“Exactly. Let’s make the best out of it.” T winks at him and smiles.

Richard grabs his neck and kisses him lovingly and it only takes a second to feel Taron’s hands on his cheeks, cupping his face as sweetly as ever. “I can imagine worse things than being trapped at home with the one I love.”

“Oh me too.” Taron laughs softly and looks up to him.

Rich bops his nose softly and kisses him one last time before resting his forehead against Taron’s. “I love you so fucking much.”

And Taron just pulls him close, his eyes fully fixated on his lover before he kisses him again. No need for words.


End file.
